And God floated down to the local hospital, where he noticed the gift shop was low on stock of ‘get well soon’ cards. Rather than chastise the manager for this oversight, God showed mercy, and with a click of his fingers a sea of ‘get well soon’ cards flooded the shelves, delighting all the visiting relatives.
His work done, God took to the road in his Dodge Ram, aptly named ‘the Shepherd’.
While on the road, he performed more miracles.
Here are some of them.
The Hill Berry Church sat atop the small hill, once full of blueberry trees, overlooking the dying town. The mine had shuttered its doors and the crops stood meek, their number of diminishing yield. God straightened his robe and entered one of his many houses. Decent crowd; boisterous, flailing their arms, fervent amens. The reverend riling them up, his face red with spit and accusations of moral failure. Old Testament classics. God shook his head. Covered his face in embarrassment. He’d forgotten half of the wacky rants he’d sounded off in those formative years.
The reverend was adamant the town must submit to the Lord and the drought will end and crops will finally be bountiful. He spotted God in the back and beckoned him to the front. Do not be embarrassed, brother, the Lord is not deterred by your dishevelled state, he will wash away your sins and accept you, but you must crawl to him.
God said he was OK, but the reverend insisted. God accused the reverend of being batty. The reverend and the parishioners turned on God. They demanded he leave. God got personal with his parting insult.
Once the smelly bum in the robe had left, the reverend commanded the victorious parishioners to bow their heads and pray.
The Dodge Ram kicked gravel dirt high into the air and the rocks hailed down upon the roof of the church, leaving holes right above the pulpit, exposing it to the elements the next time it were to rain, if it ever would again.
God grew weary of the Ram and gave it free will. The Ram rolled across the countryside, searching for meaning, until it ran out of gas, blocking a lane on the highway. A nihilist mechanic dutifully stripped the ram for parts.
And then God took a break from his miracle road trip. He appeared in the middle of a roundabout in the fictional town of Midsommer, where all those people are murdered, but nobody in the town seems to leave despite the clear risks. God waltzed into the police headquarters and listed out all the murderers. Overnight, the crime rate plummeted, the odd case of littering finally usurping homicide. In real life, audiences found the abrupt series finale to be disappointing, citing the anticlimactic deus ex machina.
Satisfied, God returned to his roadtrip, transforming a lonely horse into a convertible red mustang. He gunned it straight and true, almost breaking the speedometer. This caught the eye of officer Redmayne, who gave a spirited chase. Being a good sport, God decided to slow down and test the man’s competence as a police officer.
Officer Redmayne asked God to turn down the music. God complied.
Do you know how fast you were going?
God knew exactly how fast, he declared to the officer. He knew everything, as it so happened. In fact, he knew exactly how much money it would take for the officer to realise his detection equipment was faulty.
Officer Redmayne did not wait to hear God’s incredibly generous offer. Officer Redmayne asked God to step out of the vehicle and arrested him for attempted bribery and speeding. Pleased that he’d passed the test, God sent him straight to heaven.
At the county fair, God guessed the correct number of beans in the jar and shared his winnings with the children. He also turned the fairy floss into sweet wine and soon those same children were drunk and dizzy and the swirling rides offered platforms to launch their sick.
God won every rigged game and cleared each prize shelf of its oversized fluffy animals. The carnies banded together, mystified by the skills of the old bum in the robe, yet still confident they had his number.
They found God in the Freak Show tent, laughing away, his winnings placed in the seats around him, as if watching the show.
Their plans unravelled when their menaced pointing yielded no recognition from the cackling old hustler, yet his new fluffy toys rotated their heads in unison, fixing their beady eyes on the carnies, suggesting the futility of further advancement.
And so the Lord was able to watch his show uninterrupted and life was good.
Taking a break from the road to really stretch his back out, God camped in the open, gazing up at the stars. Imagine his surprise when he spotted a metallic disc shaped object shooting across the sky. The next morning he passed by a roadside UFO tours operator. What are the odds! God thought excitedly to himself. A crowd of tourists milled about, cameras slung about their necks. God addressed the tourists, showing off the video footage he took on his phone. This ruffled the owner, who suspected this shabby lunatic was either trying to belittle his humble venture, or had ulterior motives as an aspiring competitor in the market. Thus began the owner’s public debunking of God’s grainy proof. Once again the tide of approval crashed against God. Deflated, God was all set to return to the road, tail between his legs.
But as life so often does in its mysterious ways, at that very moment God remembered he needed to water his purple forests on the planet Xebu.
Only the owner saw God disappear into thin air and thus the owner’s smugness vanished quickly thereafter, having finally seen the inexplicable, and knowing for the rest of his days not a single soul would believe him.
God arrived at the cornfield crossroads just as his friend The Serpent was finishing up with a client.
God owed his old friend a ride and so they rode off in the red mustang, wind through their hair.They took turns with the radio, back and forth each song.
I like this one, said God.
You’re welcome, said the Serpent.
And God did not appreciate the imputation that his friend was behind the creation of this rock ballad. And the Lord was quick to remind his old friend who formed Humans and invented the concept of Sound.
The Serpent conceded this was true, yet he remained adamant that he played a big role in the songwriting and producing.
As it so happened they approached a hitch-hiker, to which God came up with a fun wager. Let’s ask a third party, settle this properly. The Serpent agreed and the hitch-hiker appreciated the good fortune and comfort of his stylish new lift, for as it turned out, these travellers were also going to the same destination!
And so the hitch-hiker was briefed on God and the Serpent’s differing opinions and thus he threw his support behind the Serpent, based on the song title being ‘Sympathy for the Devil’.
And God grew furious and suddenly the travellers weren’t heading the same way as it turned out so it was better for the hitch-hiker to find another ride.
The serpent asked God to show some compassion, but God was mad and the radio went silent for the rest of their journey.